I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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