she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
