So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
