i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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