Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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