What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
