i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
