Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
