I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
