I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
