Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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