I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
