Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
