Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize