We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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