I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
