Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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