mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
