you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
