I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
