Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
