I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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