its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
