i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
