i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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