I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have already put on my inside pants.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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