I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
the raccoons are back...
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