Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
