I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You pole danced in your parka.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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