Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
