That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize