Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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