3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
