Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
