My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
