Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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