I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
