I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
