Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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