at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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