I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
