Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
