My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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