A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
