dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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