My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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