I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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