i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize