Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
