Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize