Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
