Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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