Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
