There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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