He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
