how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
